Teens and Stress

"Stress! He's fifteen, what does he know about stress? All he has to worry about it getting to school each day and he can't even do that!" "

Many adults can't believe that stress is a real factor in many teen lives. And yet stress, and difficulty coping with it, is involved in a high percent of teen depressions, substance abuse problems, truancy issues, suicides, and eating disorders.

Let's look at where the stresses come from, and how parents can help.

Stress from life events and activities
Over half of our youth today come from homes that have had divorce. 25% of our girls and about 13% of our boys have experienced sexual abuse by the time they turn 18, and many experience physical abuse and neglect. Adult drug and alcohol abuse, untreated mental illnesses, domestic violence, and poverty create environments for children that are stressful.

If that is not enough, the pressure to excel at school is very strong today with many school districts adopting curriculums and expectations designed to improve test scores. Your teen may be doing academic work that you did not have to deal with until later grades, and may have more homework at night than you did. Not every teen is cut out for the rigors of this, and those who are not talented at academics, or motivated by school performance, have few good alternatives.

Society also creates pressure on our teens as seen through television shows and ads, and magazine articles. Looks, sexuality, being cool, partying, owning the newest things act as pressures. Teens may try drugs and sex based on their belief that "everyone else" is, or may opt for long after-school job hours in order to have the newest gadget.

Teens who feel disconnected from home and school may turn to drugs, gangs, poor peer choices and the streets all of which provide additional stress.

Stress created by thoughts, beliefs and attitudes
The car in front of you is going 15 mph in a 25 mph zone and you are in a hurry to get to work. You think to yourself, "it looks like an elderly person. They are probably scared to drive in the snow. I'll wait for a good opportunity and then ease around them." You experience minimal stress.

The next person is in the same situation you were, and they say to themselves, "That son of a *#*, where did they learn to drive! They are making me late, all because they don't know how to drive. They shouldn't even be on the road…" This person careens around the elderly drive with their brakes squealing and tosses a rude hand gesture out the window.

Both situations were the same. Yet one person was enormously upset and stressed by it, while the other was not. The difference lies in how the person viewed the situation.

Cara's boyfriend was pushing her to become sexually active. She thought, "what an idiot, I've only started to date him. He's pressuring me and I hate it. I'll find someone else". Cara's boyfriend now starts to date Sara and behaves the same way. Sara thinks, "He's nicer than most of the boys I know and I don't want to lose him. I'm making him mad, and I'm afraid he'll leave. It would be better to just give him what he wants."

Attitudes and beliefs built by self confidence and positive self-esteem help teens create less stress for themselves in life.

How can parents help?
Help your teen keep strong connections with positive and supportive adults

Hopefully that positive and strong adult is you. But if you and your teen are constantly locked in battles of will, and you can't get through any more, look for other adults that your child can talk with more readily. It might be your younger brother, or a neighbor, or a counselor. Ask those adults to reach out to your teen and make it easy for your teen to have time with them. Social support, a fancy term for hanging out with people who like you and who you think care about you, helps people deal with stress almost more than any other thing. The problem with teens is if they don't have those adult guides, they are at high risk for looking for a sense of belonging and approval from the wrong crowd.

Look for the strengths in your child
As parents we often do far more damage with our mouth than we do with our fist. Name calling, screaming, blaming, nagging, and a million "I told you this would happen" may make us feel better for the moment, but tear down confidence and self-esteem in a child.

"You've got to be kidding", one mother said, "my kid could care less, he just turns and walks away". Of course he does, he has become parent deaf and he has too much pride to let his mother see that she is getting to him.

One father knew that when his son came home late for curfew. He said, "I usually can count on you to do what you say, and that makes me really proud of you. I'm mad you didn't come home on time tonight, and you have a consequence. But I know I can count on you the next time."

Look for community service activities
When teens get involved in helping others, they feel better about themselves and they develop a better perspective on their own problems. Whether they help out by themselves, with a friend, or with the family, spending some time each month making a contribution to something is good. Nursing homes, volunteer fire departments, animal shelters are only a few places that can use assistance.

Look at the home environment and do what is needed to make it safe and stable
One of the amazing things about raising kids is that you sometimes end up raising yourself as well. So start by taking a good look at the family you ask your teen to live in. It may be a great family, with little to change. Or it may be one that is filled with marital problems, family violence, alcohol abuse, or worn out adults. To raise a healthy teen you have to raise a healthy you. You don't deserve to live in a home that is not safe. You do deserve to have respect, and hope and opportunity. Take a good look in the mirror, and if it is time to make a change, get involved in counseling, or begin to care of yourself differently, than do so. If you cannot, be honest with your kids about the difficulties and helping them stay connected with outside supports.

Provide structure for your teens and start with knowing where they are and who they are with
What does this have to do with stress? Knowing where your teen is and who they are with helps your child avoid getting into many situations that have long-term problems and stress associated with them. It provides a structure and a safety net. It also helps them learn to organize their own behavior.

"I'm not going to baby-sit my kid at 16. I have to work second shift and I expect him to stay home, do his homework and take care of his chores." A sixteen-year-old left at home with no adult supervision night after night is a recipe for disaster in most households. Look for other arrangements for him.

Your teen says she will be at her best friend's for the night. Check on her periodically. Yes, you trust her, but you also know the temptations.

Curfews, defining places and people that are off limits, providing chores, setting expectations around homework, are very positive things for teens. By doing these things successfully it builds their confidence and skills, and allows you to gradually reward them with more freedom.

Involve professionals early
A good parent knows that it is ok to ask for help when a teen seems to be struggling with depression, drugs, relationships, schoolwork, or eating disorders. Find out who in your community can help and go and educate yourself to the resources available. Involve your child in counseling or school assistance programs as needed. If your child needs help but won't go, then go yourself and learn some ways to help cope with the impact of your teen's behavior on the home and how you can impact your teen.